My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
me and the Superbowl rn
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????