How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I am patiently waiting for your email
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.