ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
fixed it
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Still cracks me up
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.