ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
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I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does