My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
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Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!