[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
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January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Start the year as you intend to continue.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan