if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.