The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
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*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Anyone really
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I hope google does well on my son’s test
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.