[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
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Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?