[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
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Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before