[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Ken is short for chicken
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.