I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
You Might Also Like
🤣could you imagine
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.