Thank you corporation very cool
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work smarter, not harder
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.