Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.