don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.