The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
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Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
How it started: How it’s going:
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???