If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
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glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
#DesignFail
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.