The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
You Might Also Like
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet