I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
This made me chuckle.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Proctology is located in A55
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.