Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.