My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
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we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??