Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
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[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.