[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
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If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.