If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
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All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
This is the coolest video you will see today.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.