Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You Might Also Like
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*