Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
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The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Lmaoo 😂
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?