Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
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Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
an airline just for babies.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,