My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?