“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
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The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Things will get butter, keep churning
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??