I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Cannot stop laughing at this
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog