[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
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no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*