TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
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End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.