The only equipped I am is ill.
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice