Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
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doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
*aggressively waits in line*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out