[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
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5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
can’t catch a break
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to