“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
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My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards