(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
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Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.