Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
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Wednesday
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
selena gomez
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.