dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
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Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.