Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
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Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁