Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
lmao
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.