If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?