Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
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A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.