It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
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I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I don’t get marriage
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean