VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.