Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.