r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
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Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
why no one uses midhusbands
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”