[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Breaking news:
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea