You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Most fashion shows these days…
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Have a lovely day 😊
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.