[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
somebody come look at this
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…